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in Englishen français

The best jokes of the Valenciennes Synagogue

 

The Jewish strategy for winning a gold medal in London 2012 Olympics:

Jewish strategy to win Olympic Games

 

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A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to G-d.

The man asked, "G-d, what's a million years to you?"

And G-d said "A minute."

Then the man asked: "Well, what's a million dollars to you?"

and G-d said: "A penny"

Then the man asked: "G-d.....can I have a penny?"

And G-d said: "Sure.....In a minute."

 

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Morris goes to the rabbi and says, "I committed a sin and I want to know what I can do to repent."
"What was the sin?" the rabbi asked.
"It happened just once," Morris assures him. "I didn't wash my hands and recite the blessing before eating bread."
"Nu, if it really only happened once," the rabbi said, "that's not so terrible. Nonetheless, why did you neglect to wash your hands and recite the blessing?"
"I felt awkward Rabbi," said Morris. "You see, I was in an un-kosher restaurant."
The rabbi's eyebrows arch. "And why were you eating in an un-kosher restaurant?"
"I had no choice," Morris said. "All the kosher restaurants were closed."
"And why were all the kosher restaurants closed?" the rabbi asked.
Morris replied, "It was Yom Kippur."

 

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The rabbi was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, and instead go play golf.
Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course.
He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely.
As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi playing the best game he had ever played! The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course.
Moses turned to God and asked, "I thought you were going to punish him.
Do you call this punishment?!"
God replied, "Who can he tell?"

morphing

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.


Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie ?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes".


Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.


Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's


When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."


morphing

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good,"says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth filled with food if you called."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. 
"Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says,"I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

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Q. Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A. Under the vacuum cleaner.


morphing

 

Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

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Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.' 
"Force yourself," she replied.

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Q: What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A: 'Is ANYTHING all right?'


Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.


Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the policeman says, 'Your wife fell out of the car five miles back.' Sam replies, 'Thank god for that... I'd thought I'd gone deaf!'

 

Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
A: Filet minyan.

 

Jewish telegram: 'Begin worrying. Details to follow.'